Hello, kids.
You know, lots of folks are just damn right scared of zombies.
But there is no reason to be afraid,
and I tell you why.
So, you know a zombie? A McGee-Guffin Edu-tainment. Grades K-6.
Brought to you by The US Department of Civil Defense
and The Norwegian Department of Animal Husbandry.
Part 1. An Introduction to the Undead.
See, kids, zombies begin to show up at the turn of the decade.
Some says it was because of the red star
that begin to glow in the sky.
Others that it was the Russkies.
Either way, spores began to fill the air.
When we breathe these spores, they settle in our lungs.
Then the spores go to sleep.
When we die, the spores wake up,
and it's the spores that keep our brain and body working.
But that doesn't mean that zombie is dangerous.
No, sorry. He can work and raise a family just like always.
But he is a little sick. And he'll want to it your flesh.
Kinda like you, kids, with candy on Halloween.
But as long as he stays out of the sun,
he'll keep from running and stay in 1 piece.
Now, there are some zombies that turn into mindless monsters.
But we'll tell you more about those bad zombies next time.
Ask your teacher about the dangers of eating raw meat!
Hey, George!
Hey, George, it's Bob from next door!
I got some mail.
George, you are home?
Bills.
Is there you, George?
George: A zombie intervention
Hey, Roger. What's up? It's Ben.
So, we are meeting tonight at my place to plan George's intervention.
You know, since Sarah's birthday party, George has got worse.
So, we are gonna have the intervention
tomorrow at George's place at around 4.
I've talked to the girls,
and they agree that this abuse has to end.
Hope you can make it, buddy.
I need some water.
Make yourself at home, Francine.
You're still beeping.
Where is the food?
Food.
Yes, food.
Well, this is not a cocktail party.
It's a planning meeting for an intervention.
Yes, but it's still a gathering,
and when you invite people over, as miss Post would say…
I don't have a food.
You get that, I'll take care of this.
— Hey, Ben. — Hi, Sarah.
Parking on your street fucking sucks.
— Steve, you remember Ben? — Hey.
Why would you bring your new boyfriend to old boyfriend's intervention?
Listen, Benji. You, girls, are gonna be whining and crying the whole time.
Somebody has gotta stand up and verbally kick George in the sack.
And that's why I'm here.
That's not why you're here.
— Okay, then why am I here? — Moral support.
But I don't have any morals, that's how I got where I am.
So, lack of morality made you assistant regional manager.
You wouldn't understand. The BG, it's fierce.
— The BG. — Baby Gap.
It's like, um, swimming with sharks in the waters
— that are filled with chud. — Chum.
What?
Chum. The word is "chum." That's what sharks feed, chum.
— Then what's chud? — Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller.
— Oh, I don't play Dungeons & Dragons. — No, it's…
— Bring me snacks. — We'll eat later.
You know, I have to eat every 3 hours.
Because if I don't eat, my metabolism is gonna slow
to the rate of a fat fucking retarded fat fuck.
There's Vienna sausage in the kitchen.
Steve is a vegetarian.
— I've got a homemade apple pie. — Hell, yeah.
You keep up a pie in your purse?
Not usually.
What are we waiting for?
We're waiting for the interventionist.
— You hired an interventionist? — Francine did.
And this interventionist is a professional?
— The flyer was nice. — Flier.
You hired an interventionist from a flyer.
She came of very highly recommended.
From who, *********?
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me?
Oh, those are cute animal stickers.
— This is who you hired? — She's a professional.
Oh, of course, anybody with cute little
animal stickers over the flyer has to be reputable.
Francine: That's her. Steve: What do we do?
Thank you all for coming.
My name is Barbra A'Dario,
and I am a professional interventionist.
We know, we saw your flyer.
Thank you.
Now, you may be asking yourself,
"Is an intervention the best approach?"
Or, "Is this the best time for an intervention?"
Whoa, the answer to both of those questions is…
I knew that, I knew that. Um, lets see…
Is…
Is "yes."
What if George realizes on his own that he has a problem?
I mean, people do that, don't they?
Well, it's possible, but highly improbable.
It's what we in the biz like to refer to as "spontaneous insight".
This usually happens when the person hits rock bottom,
but it's something that we shouldn't back on.
This just doesn't feel right.
It seems so sneaky, so secretive.
An intervention is the polar opposite
of sneaky and secretive.
By participating in this intervention
both you and your friend George
will be able to break through the wall of silence
that has been erected between you.
All.
Now, by your show of hands,
how many of you have ever been to an intervention before?
Anyone? Anyone? I thought not.
That's why I have prepared a little something for all of you.
So, take a few moments to familiarize yourself with these.
And I think it goes without saying,
that these are register with the writer skills.
— Um, excuse me. — Yes?
Um, well, who is Helen?
Oh, my goodness. I grabbed the wrong scripts.
Scripts?
Oh, yes. You see, since most people
have never participated in an intervention before,
I usually take the liberty of crafting
a little practice script in order to help you prepare.
Except you brought the wrong scripts.
Technically. However, even though each intervention
has its own unique je ne sais quoi,
they are all pretty much the same.
Fine, can we just get started?
One last thing. I am a firm believer
in the biomechanical technique of acting.
Acting from the outside in.
So I brought a little something
to help you all get into character.
Now if you all stand, we can start the rehearsal.
Ben, would you begin, please?
Action.
Hello, Deborah. How are you?
Hello, Mikel. I'm fine. How are you?
I'm fine. Where is Helen?
Where do you think?
She is in her bedroom, sleeping again.
Whoa. Um, well, where is Caron?
She is in the bathroom,
but if you ask me, Caron shouldn't be here at all.
But why do you say that, Deborah?
Well, just between you and me, Mikel,
she sleeps a lot too, it's almost like
the pot calling the kettle black.
Hold on. I'm sorry, but what exactly is Helen's addiction?
Sleep, Helen is addicted to sleep.
That's ridiculous, how can somebody be addicted to sleep?
— Is that even possible? — Of course, it's possible.
All Helen does is sleep. She sleeps all the time.
You know, there is a technical term
for someone who sleeps all the time.
Yeah, it's called a coma.
How do you know she's not just in a coma?
Give me those.
Now, I have a little homework assignment for all of you.
You need to make a list of the incidences
that you have experiences first-hand
of your friend George's addictive and destructive behavior.
And finally you need to determine
your response to your friend George.
How far are you willing to go
to convince your friend George that he needs help.
What do you mean?
Well, are you willing to tell your friend George
that if he does not seek the treatment,
that he needs for his… his addictive behavior,
that you will completely dissolve
your relationship with him.
Cut off all communications, sever all ties.
That's a no-brainer.
I'm sure the threat of the loss of your close friendship
— will be quite a blow to George. — What about you, Ben?
How about the potential loss of your friendship?
I mean, you are his best friend.
— Yes. — Ben.
I have to. If it's only thing that's gonna help George.
Francine: I can't. Sarah: Come on.
He is my brother.
Oh, Francine. That's why…
That's why your ultimatum is the most important.
Only when George realizes
that he stands to loose everything and everyone,
will he agree to accept the help and treatment
he needs for his disease.
I don't know.
Come on, please. Do it for George.
Okay.
I want you all to remember
that what you are doing here tonight,
you are doing out of love.
You love your friend George enough to tell him to go to hell.
'Cause I want to ride the pony!
To listen to your messages, press "1."
Hey, Roger. What's up? It's Ben.
…So, we are meeting tonight…
…George… around 4.
Alright.
********* woman's rib cage ******.
Not dissimilar to a rotisserie chicken.
Much of the entirety's useless,
these will be disposed of as biowazard.
Biowazard.
Go your pup to the break.
We have footage of a pack of dogs
breaking into a morgue and eating a corpse.
During our topscene. Don't go away.
Bionic lobster! Bionic lobster!
Hi, George!
What do you want?
Just thought we drop by, see how are you doing.
— Haven't seen you in a while. — We hung out like 3 days ago.
Um, I meant them.
Ben, what's going on?
— Nothing, we are just… — Worried.
That you think we are neglecting you.
Hello, I have high perishables here.
We are all here because we really care about you
and we want to help you.
This is going to be difficult for you.
Well, for-for all of us, actually.
However, I do have 1 request. That…
That you give us a chance to talk
and that you promise to listen.
Even though this would be very very hard,
uh, difficult, very difficult.
But will you help us to help you by just
listening?
What is this?
Is this some kind of an intervention or something?
Oh, my God.
This is an intervention.
If you'll just hear us out, I am sure
that you will understand exactly why we feel the way we feel.
Who are "we" and "us"?
Who are "we" and "us", you keep talking about "we" and "us".
I don't know who you are. Who are you?
Oh, right, I'm Barbra. Hello.
— What's he doing here? — I'm here for moral support.
— I don't need your support. — Not you, you douche.
I care about you as much as I care about the flies on my shit.
Whose idea was this?
Sarah?
Francine?
— Ben? — Yes.
What?
Yes, it was my idea.
I just thought you'd lie about it.
Look, I know you might be feeling a little angry right now.
But if you refuse to participate
or if you continue to interrupt
then there could be serious serious consequences.
So, lets talk about your addiction.
Oh, it says here that you are a zombie.
Is that a politically correct term? Zombie?
I don't know what the kids are calling you these days.
Well. Everyone here has something
that they wish to share with you.
Fine.
Lets do this.
George, you know that I've always loved you like a brother.
I remember all the great times we had together
like that camping trip that 2 of us took to your ***sammity,
you remember that?
You told me how to play guitar.
But lately I've been really worried about you
and I can't stay on a sideline and watch things getting worse.
I love you too much for that.
That's why I'm here.
I'm here to help you confront your addiction.
Your addiction of eating people.
And to encourage you to get help,
to enter rehab tonight.
I miss the old George.
And I want the old George back.
The George that I love.
Very good, Ben.
Any friend that would say what you just said to me
— is not really a friend. — What?
— I just told you that I love you. — Next.
George, this is hard for me.
I'm afraid you are going to get mad at me.
I know things have been tough since mom and dad died.
Next.
George, I was with you because I loved you.
Next.
Tha… that's everyone.
Can I hear Ben's again?
The last time I was over here you just kept watching
that Twilight Zone episode over and over again.
"To Serve Man," it's my favorite episode.
No, no. Your favorite episode
used to be the one where Burgess Meredith breaks his glasses.
That one makes me cry.
I went to the bathroom to get a banding.
And when I got back into the kitchen,
you were leaking my blood off the knife.
That wasn't blood, that was strawberry jam.
— I was making a sandwich. — Well, I was making dinner!
Well, I was hungry and I couldn't wait!
When did you make him dinner?
And I tried to introduce him to you,
he said he would call and then he never called.
What, you think I ate your date?
Well, now I do.
Is that it? Is it everything?
All of your accusations because I can't help but feel
that something's being concealed here.
What is the next part of your diabolical little plan?
Well, there is one more thing.
Hey, Georgie! I hope she's 18,
'cause this is going right on YouTube. Oh, my God!
That was totally taken out of context.
Out of context? You were eating him.
Dude, you were eating another dude.
— So? — So, I'm just saying about not trying to eat me.
Steve, I'd love to eat you, but I'm all out of asshole helper.
— Where are you going? — I have to meet some people.
— Who? — You don't know. The Canadian.
We are not done here.
I have to go, I'm late.
They are already waiting for me at the Moon Dragon Tavern.
We have to find the level 15 vorpel sword,
or otherwise the entire Thieves Guild will be overrun.
And that's what I'm talking about.
What was that?
Is it time for you to take one of your crazy candies again?
No, I think my muffins are done.
Muff… You bake muffins.
You never had any goals.
That's because you had all the big goals, like
"Ooh, lets go and get married," instead of the small stuff, like
"Ooh, what are we gotta do on Thursday?"
I am talking about the big picture.
Thursday is little. And if you ask me,
you do not let me start talking about things that are little.
— Why are you here? — He is here for me.
Oh, and you're supposed to be here for me.
What, are you jealous?
You met at "Target"!
Damn straight, and I hit the bull's eye there, didn't I, Skippy?
Don't call me "Skippy".
In fact, I hit Sarah's bull's eye just before we came here today.
Well, maybe next time you use the full caliber weapon.
Oh, if I use the full caliber weapon,
she'd shit herself, and forget her name.
Don't talk about her like that.
— Don't touch me. — Or what?
You want a dance, is this it?
You want me to dance, I'll dance. Come on.
Bring it on, Gene Kelly.
I think we are getting a little off-track.
— *********** muffins. — Thank you.
Stop, stop, stop.
That's what you get when you go off on a tangent.
You get the horn.
Perhaps, this would be a good time to take a short break.
To freshen up and to cool down.
Lets resume in 15 minutes.
Agreed?
Fine.
I ate someone I need to report to the Thieves Guild anyway.
That's corporate. I need to use the phone.
I didn't know they still made beepers.
Yeah, Steve does not believe in cell phones.
He does not believe they exist?
Oh, no, he knows they exist, he just doesn't use them.
He says the waves cause cancer.
What about the waves from the beeper?
I have to go check on my muffins.
That does not go very well.
Oh, on the contrary, I found that to be
a very productive and prolific 1st session.
It was stimulating, insightful. And I found it
profound and very promising, all-in-all extremely auspicious.
Where is the pee-pee room?
Um, off the front stairs on the left.
— I need to get some air. — I'll join you.
Here we go.
— Roger. — Huh?
Roger.
— Over and out. — Oh, man, it's my name.
Oh, hm, sorry.
What's your name?
Tom.
What's in the box?
That's my sample.
A sperm sample?
No.
Go on.
— I… — Get in there.
— You are okay? — Define "okay".
It's an adjective. It means,
"feeling satisfactory or in satisfactory condition."
How come you don't have a girlfriend?
Oh, you sound like my mother.
She asks you questions like that?
Only every time I talked to her.
"How come you don't have a girlfriend?
You should have a girlfriend,
even your brother Mike has a girlfriend, and he's almost 300 pounds."
Oh, I can see why she asks.
I mean, you're nice,
kind, and generous.
You are a really great guy, Ben.
Any girl will be lucky to have you.
(On the wood: "VORPEL.")
Does anybody have a landline anymore?
George: What are you doing?
This is my room.
And I would appreciate it if you would stop nosing around.
Whatever, dink. I was just looking for a phone.
So what's with the wallet collection?
Oh, my God. Those are all the people you've eaten.
That's not true.
Oh, really? So, if I call the police,
none of those people are gonna be listed as missing then?
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, you are so busted.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, Steve. What do you think you do?
I'm gonna tell?
Be-be-be. Don't you think that maybe, just maybe,
you're doing this to keep me and Sarah apart?
Of course, that's what I'm doing it for, you jerk off.
And when I tell her, she's never gonna speak to you again.
Ever. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…
You are dead meat.
Why?
Did you hear that?
Hi! Did-did you hear that?
Yes, I did and it was disgusting.
Oh, yes, oh.
— Who was that? — Tom.
— Who? — Tommy boy, baby.
Wait, wait, I got something.
Yeah. Uhum. Here we are.
— It's a music? — I think so.
You like this? I'll make you a copy if you like.
Okay.
Roger, when did you get here?
What are you talking about, man? I've been here since Thursday.
Love to shaking a dick, man, I just got here.
Off the Six Flags on Thursday.
— Are you drunk? — What are you talking about?
I mean, shit, this is a party, you drink.
What? You went to a party?
Funny, funny, okay.
I'm gonna go make a call.
Alright? Okay? Uh?
I don't think he realizes this is an intervention.
I think he thinks it's a party.
Oh, really, wow. What's **********?
What are you…?
What are you doing?
You're eating something?
No.
No. Huh.
You get this blood all over your mouth.
What are you eating?
What's behind your back?
— This is a little embarrassing… — I want to see. I want to see it.
Oh, that's disgusting.
You are eating a leg. What is that?
Where did you get it…? Am I…?
Oh, my fucking God,
you are eating my fucking leg. You are eating my leg!
Baby, easy, little baby. Easy, ba…
What?
Promise me you won't scream first.
I promise. Now get the fuck off me.
Am I
dead?
— Yes. — You murdered me.
It was an accident.
Or, you fucking asshole. I mean, I knew you were jealous of me.
And I told her, I said, "Babe, I love you, and he can't stand it."
You know, how can you say that?
You don't love Sarah, you… you don't love anyone but yourself.
I don't love anybody as much as myself, big difference.
You don't love her, I…
— I love her. — No, you don't.
You love videogames and raw meat.
I love that stuff too, but I love her, damn it!
Oh, yeah, really? Well, so, you have one of these, like…
Shit.
Reaching my left pocket.
My other left pocket.
What is this?
That, you, big ignorant shit,
is 5 carats. 5 fucking carats
that says Sarah is gonna be my wife.
You're getting married?
What did I just say?
I planned to pop in the question since we shipped your ass out of a rehab.
You know, as soon as she finishes
with this stupid attachment that she has to you,
we are gonna settle down, went to a nice subprime mortgage,
and she was gonna push out the next generation of corporate giants.
Um, what are you… What are you doing with that leg?
Hey, be careful with that, because ******* ******** ******* back on.
Is this a bad time?
I say, uh… You don't suppose
that I can maybe interest you, guys, in a…
You know, what?
I left the product downstairs. If you'll just wait right…
Not like that, you idiot, use it as a club!
I don't know why I'm helping you, I should be yelling for my own now.
Help! Help! Somebody, help!
Dude, you really need to get rid of that fucking thing.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.
Oh, say, did you know you ran out of toilet paper? Here.
You might wanna wash that.
So, I was thinking
that perhaps phase 2
could just be George and myself.
Phase 2.
Now you listen to me, you little shit.
This is my 1st intervention,
and I'll be damned if you're gonna fuck it up.
Or it will be successful. And you will be intervened
whether you like it or not. Capisci? Good.
Now sit your ass down.
Where is everybody?
Ooh, Francine's in the kitchen.
Roger is drunk dialing out in the front yard.
And Steve is…
I'm gonna go look for Steve.
Now if you look at the pie chart on page 24…
George, this information is vital.
It's the difference between life and death.
I'm sorry… I'm… I'm just…
I'm really hungry and when I get really hungry,
I have trouble concentrating
on anything… other than… eating.
Just one more excuse placed on top of the excuse pile.
Oh, well, now you're just mocking me.
No, no, really, it's not my fault.
You know, I don't need this shit.
I could've been *******est, living in the lap of luxury,
without a care in the world.
I mean, why did I do it, why did I kill myself
going to night school, studying, and learning, and taking tests.
I'll tell you why I did it.
I did it for you, George. I did it to help you.
So, you need to pay attention to eating me…
I trained for 6 months, I am certified,
and I am juicy as s********.
What?
— George, are you going to eat me? — What?
You heard me? Eat me.
Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.
George. George, are you listening to me?
What?
Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.
At least I still have Helen.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Where did you come from?
How long have you been here? Is there any way out?
Helpful.
Okay, okay, okay.
Horrible wound, no pain, no pulse.
I should probably call somebody.
If only the company would've sprung for cell phones.
It's my good Easter shirt!
Now remember, let me do all the talking.
— Why can't I? — Do you remember what happened
the last time you tried to speak to a potential convert?
Fine.
My name is Elder John and this is Elder William.
We are from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Are you familiar with our organization?
Of course, I've skimmed Dianetics.
Um, have you, guys, actually met John Travolta, what's he like?
That's Scientology. We are Mormons.
I know, I was teasing.
You know, I met John Travolta once.
It was at the premiere of The Punisher. I was standing in the lobby
and he was walking across to go to the concession.
Have you ever put any thought into your own personal salvation?
As opposed to my impersonal salvation?
You believe in the afterlife?
I'm sorry, what exactly is the latter-day saint?
Well, Joseph Smith termed the phrase "latter-day saint"
in an effort to distinguish themselves
from the followers of the early christian church,
i.e., "former-day saints."
I'm sorry. Um, could you excuse me for just a moment?
I really have to go check on my snickerdoodles.
Can I go to the bathroom?
I don't know. Can you?
Yes, you may use the restroom.
Up the front stairs and to the left.
Oh, my God.
William: There you go, little buddy.
William, we need to be moving along.
We're still have 2 more houses to go to.
Hey, guy!
It's kind of thing happen often?
Thought so.
Hello!
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to the store to get some flour!
Oh, my God.
— What the fuck is this shit? — You are alive.
— Well… — Thank God, thank God. Call 911.
What happened?
Yeah, hi, I'd like to report a…
Hello. Hel…
Hello, hello. Hello.
I'm on hold.
Who did this to you?
Who the fuck do you think did this to me?
George?
Who else here has a history of eating people?
I just can't picture George doing something like this.
Yeah. You're right, honey, you are absolutely right.
I, uh, ducktaped myself to the bed, and then I chop my own leg off
to make it look like George did it! I confess, I confess.
Oh, right! Jeez, you don't have to be such a jerk about it.
Sorry.
It's okay.
Where is your leg?
He… ate it.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
At least you are still alive.
Can you love half a man?
Sweetie, why don't you have a pulse?
Yeah, about that…
— Oh, my God. — Now, before you jump to any conclusions…
You're dead.
It's not like it changes anything between us.
It changes everything. You are a zombie.
Yeah and I could still get it out.
In fact I'm up right now.
That's rigor mortis.
I don't believe it. I don't believe it.
My ex-boyfriend is a zombie,
and now my current boyfriend is a zombie, that's it.
I am done, I am done, I am through with love,
I am never ever going to love again.
I'm still your current boyfriend?
Yes. Hello. Hi. Uh, I'd like to report of an eating.
Well, our friend George is a zombie, and there've been a few eatings.
That probably sounds weird.
Oh, that doesn't sound weird. Good, well, can you send somebody?
Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, do you have the number?
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, want you… A pen, I need a pen.
Left pocket.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, can you tell me that again?
1-800-555-2131. Great, thank you so much.
— They are busy. — Busy?
But they said if it's a zombie emergency
to call the zombie technical support hotline.
Give me that.
Hi. Uh, hel…
Hello? I'm on hold.
************* fine!
Oh, shit. Oh, God, no.
God!
Anyone wanna make a booze run?
Well, I guess this is out to the Jolly Roger then, babies. I'm gone.
You, guys, are gonna untie me, or what?
Wait a minute, we just need to ***suit a hotline***** first.
Why? George is up walking around
and eating legs!
Because this whole zombie situation is getting out of hand.
We just need more information.
What about Barbra? I thought she was the expert.
Barbra is an interventionist. She does not know anything about zombies.
I can smell your brains.
What?
I can smell your brains.
They smell pretty good.
Like bacon.
What are you doing?
I'm getting ready.
Are you crazy? We are in the middle of a residential neighborhood.
— You want to get us arrested? — For what?
For being stupid?
They can't arrest you for that, trust me.
Put your top back on.
I can't. My nipples are hard now
and they hurt when they rub up against the bra.
Who is this guy?
Who are you calling?
I'm calling Slack. I want ***** know what the hell is going on.
Oh, ask him if he tivos Top Model.
Stay here, don't go anywhere.
Don't move.
Where are you going?
Hey, Slack, it's Foxy.
Hello?
Can I just crack your head open like a coconut?
Or stab a straw to your eye
and just suck them right out.
You know, Steve, you are a real dick.
I've never really liked you and neither is anyone else.
Like I give a *******, rat ass, like you or anybody else thinks of me.
Ooh, what are you gonna do with that?
It's make you feel like a big man, Benny boy?
It must really suck to be a zombie.
I mean, really, what it the life of a zombie?
Do you really think they let you keep your job?
Do you think, that mothers would buy baby clothes from a legless zombie?
And what about Sarah?
You think Sarah is gonna stay with you? She'll leave you
as quick as she left George.
You know, I actually be doing you a favor by killing you.
It would be a humanitarian act on my part. A mercy killing.
Hello?
Where are you, ***for the party?
********** ******* *******.
Anyone hiding?
Oh, my God.
This isn't what it looks like.
Okay, brains, I get it.
It's been brains every time with you. Alright, my turn.
I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter…
"T" and "A."
No, it's the…
You know, what? 1 more and I win.
You're right, Ben. You're absolutely right.
I don't want to be a zombie.
I don't want to eat people. I'm a vegetarian.
Put me out of my misery.
I don't wanna be hobbling around out there like… them.
Hi, yeah, is this the zombie technical support hotline?
Oh, great. I've got to be to a zombie situation here.
Please, I don't want to be a zombie.
I can't, I won't.
Do it. Shoot me.
Come on. Shoot me.
Okay. So, in order to kill a zombie, you shoot them in the head.
Shoot me!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, you don't shoot them in the head.
What you do that for?
— You asked me to. — I was fucking with you.
How was I supposed to know that? You were crying.
Oh, fuck, that, oh.
Oh, fucking, wow.
What's the word? Aw.
Hurt?
Who are you?
Um, Sarah?
Hello. Hello, hello…
You are on hold again?
No, your battery died.
— Why did you shoot him? — Because he asked me to.
So, what at the zombie hotline say?
Well, apparently, shooting them in the head doesn't kill them.
It just destroys their brain.
Who's the babe? Whooooo's the baby?
And that doesn't kill them?
No. It just makes them brain-dead.
And brain-dead zombies are the really dangerous ones.
So, I am thinking about growing a mustache.
So, there is no way to kill them?
Well…
What?
The only way to kill a zombie
is to cut off its body into a bunch of little bitty pieces
and burn it.
What about George?
Uh, he ate Steve. Who knows how many other people he's eaten?
We do the only thing we can do.
We turn them over to the cops.
Oh. Oh, God. Okay. Yeah.
I… I just, I thought you gonna say
that we have to cut George up into little pieces.
Come on, help me find something to dismember Steve with.
Okay.
Ha-ha, return!
Where the fuck is everyone?!
Seriously!
We get to call cops.
My phone is in the Steve's car.
Maybe it's locked.
Backdoor.
Backdoor is locked too.
— Are you sure? — Pretty sure.
— Francine, what are you doing? — No one's going anywhere.
— Check the windows. — It wouldn't do any good.
My parents had anti-theft bars installed before they died.
Why are you doing this?
I heard you plotting.
We turn them over to the cops.
— What? Why? — Because you ate Steve.
Oh, yeah. But I didn't kill Barbra and the others.
Barbra's dead?
What others?
— The Mormons and the strippers? — There were Mormons and strippers?
I did kill the other guy, but that was an accident. Sort of.
What other guy?
I don't know, I've never seen him before.
So, if you didn't kill the others, who did?
Oh. Oh, guys! You gotta help me out of here.
You gotta get me out of this cage, come on. Yes. Yes.
Or go get help. Go get help. Yes, yes, please!
Not like the wind***or like a lumbering decomposing freeze.
Well, Georgie has to eat.
And lets face it, he's never been much of a hunter,
so he's been more of a gatherer.
So, you killed everybody.
Someone had to, otherwise Georgie would go hungry.
There's the birthday boy.
Georgie porgie, he likes to orgy, come in.
Jesus, Georgie, you gotta stop partying so hard, okay? You look like shit.
Roger.
I'm a zombie!
How do you figure?
Ben, what are you doing?
Francine, unlock the house.
No.
Give me the drill.
You are not gonna shoot me.
— Really? I shot Steve. — It's true.
Steve was already dead when you shot him.
It's true.
Are those the strippers I hired?
Who are those guys?
Nooooo!
What? Hardcastle and McCormick?
No, no, no, man, no.
That's like… that's like "Snorks" over "Smurfs", man. If you want action,
if you want real action on television, you gotta go with "Airwolf".
Jan-Michael, hence and now, he…
Oh, he was a god.
Tom: Hey! Sarah: Who are you?
I'm Tom. I'm a salesman. Are you… are you in the gardening?
You look like… you look like you are in the gardening.
What happened to you?
What do you think happened to him? Look at him.
Ben, if we make it outta this alive…
I will make it out.
I was thinking, um,
you know, maybe…
maybe you and I could, ah… Well, you know, maybe…
I'm gay.
Shit.
Um… We should probably find a way out of here.
Why didn't you say anything?
Why did you just let me embarrass myself?
We just cut up your boyfriend into million little pieces.
Even if I was not gay, I just be rebound.
— Yeah, but… — Can we just talk about this later?
Fine.
There's got to be a window around here somewhere.
I wouldn't go over there if I were you.
— Why not? — Just…
Told you so.
Nooooo!
— Um? — Hell, yes.
Hey, hey, you can't leave me down here like this! Come on!
Assholes!
What's wrong?
It's locked.
Hello?
Did you know?
— So, now what do we do? — You keep trying.
Hello?
Somebody? We trapped down here. Roger?
Hello?
George, George! George, open the door.
Sarah and I are trapped down here, open the door.
— No. — What?
You heard me, no!
George, please. I'm your best friend.
Yeah, best friends don't call the cops on other best friends.
Oh, yeah, about that…
George, it's Sarah. Open the door, please.
It's time to have some fun.
Tell your friends.
George, open the door.
Francine is dead.
— I'm sorry, buddy. — Where are so sorry.
Ah! Shoot.
— Sarah? — George, open the door. Hurry.
Promise, you won't turn me over to the cops first.
Ben: What? George: Promise you won't turn me over to the cops.
Can we, please, talk about this later?
No, we need to talk about this now.
George: Give me your word, no cops, promise. Ben: Alright, fine, I promise.
Hurry!
George, open the door!
Okay. This party sucks.
How did you…?
Don't ask.
Backdoor.
— It's locked. — Francine's drill.
— Where is it? — The living room. I saw it in the living room.
I'll get it.
************** been the hero, huh?
Ben, I just want you to know that
I'm totally okay that you are gay.
You're gay? When did that happen?
Wait here, I'll be right back.
What did you do to him?
Oh, God, Rodge. What happened?
What?
Came out of nowhere. Fucking arm.
I think I had *****************.
Okay.
I'm going to check on Ben.
Wait! No. Don't go, I'd be alone…
And… and the back of my head itches.
Okay, let me… let me get you out of here.
No, no, no, no, no. You gotta save yourself, man.
I'm ***abolished. Captain is gonna go down with the ship.
No, no, no, Rodge, come on, man. Don't say that, you'll be fine.
Oh, yeah. Can you go a little bit to the right? Just a little bit down?
Like an inch to the left to the occipital bone?
You know, where that is?
That, yeah, oh.
Forgive me, Father, for I've sinned.
Roger, I'm not a priest.
It's been 6…
no, 7… 7 years since my last confession.
Roger, I'm not…
Fuck it. Go on, my son.
Since then
I've had sex out of marriage.
And…?
Kill…
That's why I can never go back to Georgia…
On Florida…
Oh, God. I didn't mean it.
I did mean it, but…
It's your turn now, Father.
What? Oh, um…
I forgive you in the name of the Father
and the Son, and Holy Ghost.
Go in peace.
In Latin, Father.
Carpe diem?
— Uh, Sarah? — What?
Oh, shit! God, you scared me.
I've got Francine's drill.
Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.
That's actually my drill. And, uh…
I can fix it.
— We gotta need better weapons. — You're right.
Weapons, weapons, weapons, weapons…
Hey, guy! Hey!
Oh, it's you. Hey, you've got a minute?
— No. — Oh, that's a real shame
because I think I got the answer to all of your gardening needs.
You know, that may be least you can do on account of
killing me and locking me in the cage.
You kinda ruined my life.
— Fine. — Alright.
Get ready.
Yeah?
Yeah.
See, George, that's Slap Happy Netix technology
that makes the wind near 3000 possible.
670 horse powers. 800 pounds of torque.
Titanium bleeds that just won't quit.
How much is it?
Only 37 payments of 9.95,
like a gentle breeze blown through your bank account every month.
How do you turn it on?
Are you kidding me?
Any breathe on this fucker ***hard nap shall crank her right up.
I don't breathe much.
Well, there is a button.
It's how I'm gonna put you down, whore!
1, 2, 3, 4! I'm the ***man of fucking ***Gore!
…motherfuckers!
You know, the guy was right about this thing.
More than sorry that I killed him with it.
I'm… Found this in your room.
You are a suicide now.
George, you killed yourself?
No.
But the note?
I was gonna.
That's why I got the gun, but…
in the end I just couldn't do it.
Then… how did you die?
I choked to death
— on a fish stick. — What?
— You don't even like fish. — I know, it's ironic, isn't it?
Oh, you…
Thank you for saving us.
— Ew. — Yeah, I'm dead.
So, you think, you can use that thing to cut us out of here?
I don't see why not.
Franny, what are you doing, are you crazy?
Crazy? Crazy, is it crazy for me to wanna protect you?
I don't need you to protect me, not like this!
But I did it for you, Georgie, I did all of this for you.
I don't need you to take care of me.
I am a big boy, I need to grow up and take responsibility for myself!
— But… — I can take care of myself.
How can you say that to me?
It's been a long time coming, sis.
— It's because of her, isn't it? — No, it's not. It's because of me.
I don't need you anymore.
Oh, shit, Franny.
I'm really sorry that I put you in awkward position earlier.
It's okay.
You know, if I liked girls like…
like that, I…
I'd like you a lot.
That's is the nicest thing that somebody ever told me.
That's a shame.
Fuck.
(3 months later)
Hello. If you're watching this video,
than that means someone you care about,
someone you love is a zombie.
My name is Sarah Stevens,
and I am a professional zombie interventionist.
Now, you might be asking yourself,
"Is an intervention the best approach?"
and, "Is now the right time for an intervention?"
The answer to both if these questions is "yes"!
With my help and the help of my assistant
we can walk you through a zombie intervention step-by-step.
(Dramatic Re-enactment)
Hey, what's going on here? Is this some kind of an intervention?
We're all here because we really care about you
and want to help you.
Very good, it was excellent! Isn't that good?
Judy: When my 4th husband became a zombie
I was at my wits' end.
I just couldn't bare the thought
of going through another messy dismemberment.
Luckily, a friend recommended Sarah Stevens, zombie interventionist.
Now my husband Harry is on the road to recovery.
Although he did eat our cat.
And our son, Peter.
So, why hire me, Sarah Stevens?
Lets just say I know a thing or 2 about zombie interventions.
(Evan's Institute for Zombie Rehabilitation)
("Dr. Kaufman" Winner-2006 Noble Prize for Science)
Our success rate is-is up now to 27.5%.
Uh, would be better but, unfortunately,
many of out patients are decomposing at this very moment.
Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to zombie recovery therapy.
I don't know what I do without Sarah and the others.
I mean, they really have caught me on an even keel.
Sarah made me see just how bad things had gotten
and they definitely gotten better.
I wish that I could say that I hadn't eaten anyone since the intervention.
Baby steps on that…
Girl Scout season is coming up to.
What I'm doing here, at the Evan's Rehabilitation Center,
is working through my problems.
You know, it's like a therapy, medication
and I think things are getting better.
Not crazy about the vegan flesh alternatives yet.
That's not my favorite thing.
1 thing I do know: I have found my future.
I'm a rock god.
My songs are awesome!
I'd like to dedicate this song
to my sister Franny.
It's called "1000 points of love."
Transcription, sync by beroal.in.ua. Some phrases are transcribed by (antoniolagrande, Xandra, kami_kadze)@notabenoid.com. More subtitles are coming.
George's intervention
George's intervention. Step 1. Planning! @ Preparation = Perspiration
George's intervention. Step 2. Practice! @ Perfect practice makes perfect!
George's intervention. Step 3. Confrontating! @ A necessary evil :( Boo hoo!
George's intervention. Step 4. Improvise! @ Not everything goes as planned… LOL!
George's intervention. Step 5. Facing your fears! @ Can be S-C-A-R-Y!
Helen's intervention. Step 1. Moving on! @ Put George's Intervention behind you…
Hello, would you like to buy some cookies?